Decoded: Shaheen Bhatt’s technique of using ‘feelings as a signpost’ to stop comparing herself with others

“A lot of us are raised parents who had a tendency to compare because they also were raised this way; so the habit of comparing ourselves with others is ingrained within our system,” Dr Sumithra Sridhar, a psycholog, said. Discussing the same, Shaheen Bhatt — who has previously opened up about her struggle with mental health and anxiety — revealed how she controls comparing herself with others in a conversation with singer-songwriter Ananya Birla on her mental health platform ‘Here Comes The Sun.’
“I use feelings as a signpost for internal states,” she said, adding that whenever she feels like she is not doing enough, she tries to find out “what it is indicating to me.” “Usually, it is indicating that I am comparing myself with everybody else around me,” she said, further pointing out that comparing herself with others, “I am focusing on what I should be doing, and ‘should’ is a horrible word which she feels needs to be removed from our vocabulary.”
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Agreed Dr Samir Parikh, Mental Health and Behavioural Sciences, Fortis Healthcare, who said that “instead of looking at our individuality and uniqueness,” comparing, ” we start looking at what we perceive as somebody else’s strengths.”

Adding, Dr Sridhar said that people compare themselves to others for two significant reasons: “I get to see how better I am or how they are better than me, and both reasons can take a toll on a person’s self-esteem.” “When you recognise that your perception of the other person can change how you view yourself—as not being good enough – self-esteem, inferiority, worthlessness, a sense of pity and sadness is evoked,” she told .

During the conversation, Shaheen also said that we must go on at “our own paces, and when we start to imagine that we have to go at the pace everybody else is going at that’s when things get really stressful.” Talking about what she does in such a situation, the writer said, “I like to set my own internal goals and they look very different from other people’s goals.” She further said that whenever she feels that she is “not matching up or following up to things that I want to do, I take a pause and think what I need to change,” and, “try to figure out how I can make things happen or be more productive.”

But, Dr Sridhar added that comparing can be healthy, too – “as long as you are recognising the intention behind it.” “Healthy comparing comes from comparing your past with your present but when you look outward it becomes unhealthy,” she said. 

What one can do to stop comparing oneself with others?
According to Dr Sridhar,
*Validate your own achievements: Sit down and process your growth to give yourself feedback. “We want others to assure us that we are better but giving that assurance to yourself can be extremely fulfilling,” she said.
* Recognise the consequence of comparing — does it make you comfortable or uncomfortable?
* Set realic goals
* Make parents understand that their definition of best is not definite — it is like comparing apples and oranges. “Giving children autonomy and hearing them out will make them feel good and respected,” she said.
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