Survivor’s Story: ‘My mother drew hearts on everything sharp in my room. That’s how I learnt to love life’

Psychiatry was not a compromise but a definite choice for 28-year-old Jyoti*, a junior resident in the Department of Psychiatry, PGI, Chandigarh. Yet unknown to her, giving hope and helping others embrace their world with positivity, she got lonely in her job. Hearing the tales of people’s trauma and internalizing their anxieties, Jyoti* herself sank into the depths of depression. Could she now practise what she preached? She knew she couldn’t fail her patients and with her will to heal herself for their sake, she clambered out of the trough. This is a unique story of how a doctor was able to regain her balance thanks to the camaraderie she had established with her patients. She got well for their sake.
The early triggers for her depression
In the early months of a three-year residency programme at the premier Institute of the country, the young doctor was experiencing rough weeks because of a gruelling 14-16 hour work schedule. The loneliness of having been uprooted from family and friends and coping with the, “coldly professional environment that lacked the warmth of the MBBS programme” got to her. She attributed her feeling of personal and professional unease to these factors. However, slowly but steadily, she convinced herself that these teething troubles would pass.
In May 2020, right in the middle of the pandemic, she was put on duty in the psychiatry emergency ward of PGI despite her minimal experience. But there was no other option given the resource constraints imposed the pandemic. Initially, she found it tough to cope with the pressing demands of patients, many of whom were violent, aggressive, and suicidal. The uncertainty of COVID and its impact on people were also taking a toll. “I felt unprepared, could not share my fears and put my feelings in a box as was my nature. In June, I began experiencing very severe palpitations and could not sleep. Still, I did not feel something was wrong with me. So, I decided to approach my professor, who said I was experiencing anxiety and it helped me open up to him. He supported me like a teacher and guide and felt that at that moment, I did not need medication,” she recalls.
Zero sense of self-worth
But with every passing week, she could not eat or rest and would lock herself in the OPD washroom to cry. A feeling of worthlessness enveloped her being as she constantly thought that she didn’t deserve a life. Dangerously enough, while riding her scooter, she wished she would crash into something and just end up in hospital! That’s when Jyoti* was put on medication.
“I was put on medication, which helped, though there would be phases of relapse triggered in the pre-menstrual phase.” In 2021, the situation took a turn for the worse, as during one of the relapses, she tried to harm herself. “I tried to cut myself up, with a feeling of anger and helplessness surrounding me. My mother came to live with me during this phase, and one day, she took red nail paint and drew small hearts on everything sharp in my room, to dissuade me from cutting myself up. The therapy and medication continued as I too worked hard to get better, focussing on my patients, who probably were going through worse experiences. Having been through that journey myself, I was determined to help them,” recalls Jyoti*.
The turning point and regaining balance
What began the process of healing was when she began to focus on a change in her own personality, realising that she did not need to please people all the time. “I began to look at myself and how I was vulnerable to depressive episodes and professional abuse because I was constantly seeking approvals and appreciation from others.” The doctor says that she understood that the first step was to accept that she had a problematic way of dealing with issues and facing them, and this made her win half the battle.
A change in perspective transformed her relationships with her family, seniors, and colleagues and the inner resentment she had harboured began taking the shape of mutual respect. One question that consumed her was would she be able to continue her medical practice as she had gone through depression? “I was told I would be one of the better psychiatrs because I understood the world of depression and anxiety better, having seen and experienced it from such close quarters. When I counsel my patients today, they often ask me how I can understand their feelings at a granular level. I can just smile to myself,” Jyoti* tells us.
The doctor admits she truly understands what a person is going through not from a medical textbook but her own lived experience of mental illness. She has the best advice: “Everyone feels sad but when it extends beyond sadness, you have to seek help and not be averse to medication. There is a need to have a discussion about your concerns. Don’t play doctor for help is available. Remember you are more than your disease that it is very much treatable. The stigma towards mental illness is high even in the medical fraternity but we have to ask for help, for sometimes we make it all so big in our heads.” Disconnecting from social media for six months, she says, helped, as did cultivating some hobbies and being mindful about life and being close to nature.
The doctor is still on medication, though on a reduced dose, and each day, she looks inward and at her patients with empathy, sharing her thoughts with people close to her and not feeling embarrassed about telling them that she is having a bad day. “I feel I have become a better person. One who can feel, emote and express the support I got from my professors, family, and friends. I want to extend it to my patients and make them see that change is possible, one day at a time. I hope my story can help many see hope and light,’’ says Jyoti*, her smile reaching her eyes.
(*Name changed to protect identity)